Trauma and Relationships: How Childhood Wounds Play Out in Adulthood

Many therapists will tell you that a lot of our childhood wounds will show up in our romantic relationships, influencing who we are attracted to and how the relationship plays out. I find it most interesting that many of my clients come to me when they themselves have young children, often around the same age they were when they sustained their wounds. This doesn’t surprise me, of course, because many other therapists have spoken of this phenomenon. This area of psychotherapy is so rich and complex it has led to the creation of numerous theories, including Attachment Theory, developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby and developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth. It has become a big part of popular therapy culture, and its premise is that our early childhood experiences shape our ability to form and maintain relationships.

The Allure and Limits of Attachment Styles

Attachment Theory categorizes three main attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant. I suppose having these categories can be a helpful starting point in providing a language to understand some of our patterns and bring awareness.

However, I don’t want clients to get stuck in pathologies and diagnosing each other’s “attachment style.” There comes a point where pathologies stop being helpful. My teacher, Dr. Grant McFetridge, an engineer, once shared a funny story of how when he was doing his psychology doctorate, he had an exam question where he had to diagnose someone based on a short story. He noted that he knew the correct answer, but the story described virtually every engineer he knew!

Most clients who come to me self-diagnose themselves as having “anxious attachment” and their partner as having “avoidant attachment.” I once put myself in that same category! But really, that identification can be disempowering unless we dive deeply into understanding the theory and apply it with awareness.

The Unseen Wound of Abandonment

The fact is, a lot of patterns and reactivity in relationships can be traced back to a deep fear of abandonment or rejection that stems from a childhood wound of "Big T" or "small t" trauma. This can then show up in so many ways in a relationship, from avoiding intimacy and being hyper-independent to being hyper-vigilant for signs of betrayal, needing constant reassurance, and having disproportionate reactions to everyday moments. We can also see it in over-analyzing and mind-reading, trying to anticipate a partner's mood or feelings.

I don’t think I need to give an example of this, as I can guarantee every single one of us has our own.

This is a rich and complex topic, and while it may be helpful to use a framework like Attachment Theory to identify a pattern, the true work lies in addressing the inner wound that created the pattern in the first place.